


Never Second Again

by d_is_for_demon



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Kylo broods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 03:52:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13045929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d_is_for_demon/pseuds/d_is_for_demon
Summary: Kylo Ren after the end of The Last Jedi, just a solo one shot of thoughts and, well it IS Kylo, so, yes, brooding. This is the first thing I have written in ages, and my first post here on Archive Of Our Own. Feedback is welcome, thanks!





	Never Second Again

Kylo Ren is exhausted, tired as he has never been before in his life, not during the frenetic training of his years as a Jedi apprentice, not even through his recovery from the near fatal wounds Rey had inflicted during their battle. This current exhaustion is not physical; indeed, he is nearly beyond such things. Rather, Kylo is so terribly weary on a far deeper level, in his very spirit, down where it dwells, where it should be, one might think, safely cocooned in the Force. But, he has never been safe, Kylo knows, not when he was that stupid boy, Ben, and not after. That has never been, never will be.

Deeper still, the Sith Lord feels, his exhaustion is based in being so very sick with tiredness of always being betrayed. Of course, he has betrayed everyone, but, the thing is - however blindly their self-righteousness prevents them from acknowledging it, most of them - they all betrayed him first. 

The almost selfless, passionately committed, Princess Leia Organa. Mother. She taught him, or, Ben, all he knows about being brave, about never quitting. Kylo is not, even now, ungrateful for the lessons. The problem with his mother - the resentment and feeling of betrayal - is that much of the time, maybe most of it, that passion and commitment was not directed at her son. The people, the fight, justice, came first.

Kylo's father, and, yes, still he cannot escape the sear of the brand that killing Han Solo burned into his dying heart, absent even when he was there. Laddish and rakish and ever so charming, Han the legend, the hero who managed to keep that irresistible bad-boy allure, and who Ren knows loved him, even at the very end. But, except for those few last awful moments, hadn't Ben always seemed to come in at best a close second whenever his father had felt the bindings of family threatening to his independence and precious, precious freedom?

Uncle Luke, like his sister, relentless in his passion, though in his case, fanaticism would be the correct term. Always first and foremost to Luke was the Jedi religion, and, at first, young Ben had been such a believer, too, though what he had had the most faith in was Luke himself. That trust and respect, strong enough to inspire the young apprentice to continue to resist Snoke’s call, had been shattered on the night his uncle tried to kill him.

Snoke himself, who told Kylo he was so special, such a treasure, who promised knowledge and power. Oh, his master had delivered on that promise, and as with others, Kylo is not entirely ungrateful, but, it had been fulfilled with such pain, and even worse, humiliation. The newest heir of the Sith was a sword forged in his own blood and agony, and Kylo cannot forget a moment of it, and neither will he forgive.

Last, perhaps worst, Rey, to whom he was bound in and by the Force. Rey, who was meant to be his salvation, his victory, at last; Rey, who Kylo had dared to love despite knowing the folly of it. When he finally killed Snoke, the younger Sith knew that he did it for himself, to be sure, but yes and yes - he had done it to save Rey as well. Perhaps even more so than to save himself.

And yet, she, too, had betrayed Kylo, had put him firmly in his place, which was plainly neither at Rey’s side nor first in her heart. It was Rey who finally accomplished what neither his family nor Snoke had ever managed; Kylo knew that in that moment, he had broken, as the last shred of all resistance faded and he embraced his destiny.

He would always, until his death, the final treachery, face betrayal. Be betrayed. Kylo knew that, now; knew it was inescapable and inevitable. There was a sort of acceptance, now, but still, it had made the Sith so very tired.

Alone, kneeling in his cabin, feeling exhausted but far from sleep, Kylo contemplated, and, suddenly, a smile no one else would see tilted his lips up, brought dark fire back into the eyes he now opened in the dimmest of lighting. Yes, he was betrayed, and betrayer, but, (the smile for a moment seemed touched with genuine happiness,) Kylo knew that he was also, finally first. The one to fear. Supreme leader.

And, Kylo knew, he would never be second again.


End file.
